you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize