Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
