tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
