2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
