I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You took a bar mat shot.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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