Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
