Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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