Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
