I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
