shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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