So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
