Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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