Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
