I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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