I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
