Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
