i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
