Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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