Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
