I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
