To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
