I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
