I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
