dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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