Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
