I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
