Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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