Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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