Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
