Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
