you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
