i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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