I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Randomize
