My room smells like vodka and shame
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
