I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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