Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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