can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
