when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
