I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
