Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
did you just send me my own nude
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
