jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I didn't notice because vodka
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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