pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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