I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
