i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
