I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
