how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
