You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
