Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
