your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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