Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
