did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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