There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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