You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
