I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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